Nation Responds To Fanatic Religious Attacks With Religious Fanaticism

US Condemns Those Who Commit Violence In The Name Of God, Vows To Strike Back With God's Blessing

Religious extremists desecrate the mass grave of hundreds of non-christians with a coincidental replica of their superstitious symbol.

      The devastating September 11 terror attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, perpetrated by religious fanatics who believed that they would be rewarded in the afterlife by an imperceptible deity for their murderous actions, have shaken the nation to its very core. Bearing reluctant witness to the shocking destruction, many of the nation's citizens have turned to their own belief in an omnipotent, omnipresent God who inscrutably meddles in the affairs of humanity as the answer to the unbearable grief and horror felt by all.

      On that shattered evening itself, and in the soul-searching days that followed, hastily organized prayer vigils took place everywhere across the United States as millions of ordinary people chose not to struggle to reconcile their faith with the gut-wrenching reality. In these unprecedented outpourings of community solidarity, Americans of all walks of life came together to reaffirm their irrational acceptance of the supernatural.

      "Thank you all for coming together here today, to pray for the souls of those who lost their lives and for the comfort and safety of all others who have been touched by this terrible tragedy," announced Reverend Harold Sheehan to the massed gathering, many of whom had not attended church in years, at one such assembly in New Haven, CT. "Your prayers will make a difference. God is listening and he loves you as much as he loves all his senselessly incinerated, crushed, bereaved and orphaned children."

      "We must not give up hope in God's mysterious Holy Plan," Sheehan implored the congregation. "Put your faith in the all-merciful Lord -- only he can be implicitly trusted to protect you from such fiery conflagrations in the future, unless it suits him otherwise."

      These sentiments, shared by credulous hordes across the country, were echoed by President of the United States George W. Bush in his address to the nation in the wake of the disaster. In the course of an often-emotional speech, he urged caution, patriotism and religious fervor as a means of keeping the stunned republic united in the face of zealotism.

      "These heinous terrorist acts against America were an attempt to drive a wedge between the Western and Islamic worlds, but they have not succeeded," he drawled forcefully, pounding the air with his clenched fist. "We have banded together as one people under Jesus Christ like never before."

      "We will begin our crusade against the heathen false-idol-worshippers as soon as humanly possible," he went on to promise. "God is with us."

      Public opinion polls regarding the President, who formerly faced widespread criticism on a number of fronts including issues regarding the narrowing separation of church and state, show his approval rating at an all-time high as he faces the first major crisis of his term of office. At least three Planned Parenthood abortion providers are already known to have placed themselves under citizen's arrest, explaining that they wished "to save him the trouble."

      "I used to be concerned about Bush's faith-based charity initiatives, his unnervingly denominational inauguration and his appointment of a radical fundamentalist christian as Attorney General," stated Marianne Greene, a Modesto, CA industrial designer and former Skeptics Society member. "It's a shame that it took these spectacularly successful radical faith-based suicide missions to make me realise that he was correct all along. If we turn to God to direct us to do the right thing, we cannot fail."

      Prominent media and celebrity figures also made clear their support for a return to traditional values of piety and divine servitude. Noted former dissident Noam Chomsky sent an autographed copy of the Torah to Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon, along with a note apologizing "for all of our past differences" and wishing him "good fortune eradicating the remaining infidels from the Holy Land," while Battlefield Earth star and operating thetan John Travolta pledged the full support of the Church of Scientology towards homeland security, announcing that 5,000 E-meters had been donated to the FAA for use in airport security checkpoints.

      Others were more explicit in their theological analysis of the grim situation. "We can't just blame the hijackers," said renowned televangelist and mouthpiece for America's powerful 'Religious Right' faction, Jerry Falwell, speaking on fellow rabid extremist Pat Robertson's daily TV show, 'Repenting For Dollars'. "Their actions were despicable, but they were just under the possessed influence of their false Satanic moon god. True responsibility for these crimes rests with the homosexuals, feminists, abortionists, pagans, Buddhists, masturbators, pop-music listeners, internet users, Kurt Vonnegut readers and the American Civil Liberties Union, for stripping this nation of the protection of the One True God that it formerly enjoyed."

      "Of course," Robertson agreed, "and I believe the worst is yet to come. How can this country expect to be kept safe from the misguided acts of men like these if they do not allow the Lord to guide their thoughts and deeds?"

      Not all American religious leaders agreed with the point of view expressed by Robertson and Falwell, however. New York City Catholic Archbishop Edward Egan labeled the comments "manifestly irresponsible", and urged calm. "These attacks were in no way the fault of the ACLU," he continued. "We must not let our anger mislead us into rash words and acts which could lead to the harming of innocents. Besides, we all know that it's only the doing of those crazy A-rabs and their ridiculous jihad holy wars. Well, the Bible states 'an eye for an eye' -- we should immediately round up all Muslims, or antichrists as I prefer to name them, put them in buildings and then smash them with our own planes. We have plenty of spare airliners now that no-one's flying."

      "We could build special buildings for the occasion, with unpleasant interior decoration and no air conditioning," he added. "And extra asbestos, and electrified toilets. Furthermore, they could also be stocked with bats and other vermin." Following the demolition, Egan insisted, nuclear weapons should be used.

      "The radioactive debris can then be doused with holy water to completely erase their demonic scourge from the Earth," he continued. "It's the only way to be sure."

      Amidst all the rhetoric and righteous fury, however, across the nation one group of people faces perhaps the most difficult and prevalent problem of all. Parents must wrestle with the tough task of appropriately indoctrinating their children regarding the awful outcome of September 11. In Minneapolis, MN, 12-year-old Jamie Thomas stares uncomprehending at the flickering images of wanton carnage that endlessly repeat on the family television screen. "If God's looking after all those people in heaven," he dully intones to his father without averting his eyes from the hellish scenes, "why is the TV lady crying?"

      "She's probably disappointed that God didn't take her too," Patrick Thomas replies to his son, shifting uneasily in his seat. "Heaven's the best place in the world, and everyone wants to go there, even if they have to have a building fall on them and leave their family behind. God knows what he's doing, and if you believe in him everything will be OK. Run along to bed now, I'll be up in a minute to tuck you in."

      The elder Thomas waits until his son is out of earshot before speaking again, his voice now exhibiting a faint crack. "How can you tell your kid that hundreds of those people are burning in hell right now because they never had a chance to accept Christ's love and redemption? Or because they committed the mortal sin of suicide by jumping rather than die by the slow, choking smoke asphyxiation that God intended? That those ignorant towel-heads who believed that Allah would reward them for their cowardly acts are now at the bottom of the abyss frying in their own fat like a napalmed gook?"

      His eyes narrow. "Well, their primitive beliefs will suit the rest of them just fine when we bomb those motherfuckers back into the stone age. They made a big mistake tangling with a modern civilization that has what it takes to ensure justice is done. God bless America."